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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26651293">Come Back To Me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/BirdyBanter/pseuds/BirdyBanter'>BirdyBanter</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Starsky &amp; Hutch</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 10:08:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,089</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26651293</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/BirdyBanter/pseuds/BirdyBanter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Hutch has to go somewhere Starsky can't follow, So Starsky has to be patient and trust that Hutch will come back home to him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ken Hutchinson &amp; David Starsky</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Come Back To Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>A warning is needed I think as the story deals with depression and Suicide and if this is a trigger for you please don't read on. This is an important subject and I hope I've done it justice.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Starsky was pretty sure it was just exhaustion, after all Hutch had been running himself ragged for the last few months taking care of his best friend. No one could keep that up and it not catch up to them eventually. He'd been pushing himself too hard and the one person who would usually get him to ease up was the one person who couldn't afford him to. They'd been back at work for a while now and the closer they worked together on the job the further apart they got outside of it. Hutch was hanging out with him less and less all the time. They’d gone from spending every single minute together to spending hardly any quality time together. </p>
<p>He wasn't sure why Hutch was keeping his distance but he knew there had to be a reason for it. Something was up with his friend he knew that but what was wrong?  Starsky for obvious reasons had not been the best company but once he was over the worst of it, they’d been having a laugh, it had been fun or so Starsky thought. That was until he came back to work and then it was too much of a good thing. Maybe Hutch just needed space after spending all his time taking care of his incapacitated friend. Starsky was probably making a big deal out of nothing but somehow, he didn’t think so. </p>
<p>Starsky had let himself into Hutch’s place and caught him with his hand in the cookie jar so to speak.</p>
<p>‘I thought you said you were havin’ an early night.’</p>
<p>‘I am.’</p>
<p>‘Funny it looks like you’re stayin’ up watchin’ T.V to me.’</p>
<p>‘I’m tired okay, a guy’s allowed to be tired right?’</p>
<p>‘’Course but sittin’ in The Pits and havin’ a few beers isn’t exactly taxin’, sorta like watchin’ T.V.’</p>
<p>‘I didn’t feel like goin’ out alright.’</p>
<p>‘Fine but we could just as easy watch the tube together.’</p>
<p>‘Well I thought you wanted to go out and I didn’t…I’m not in the mood okay? Give a guy a break would ya.’</p>
<p>‘Depends…what exactly is it you’re not in the mood for Hutch? Is it goin’ out or is it me?’ </p>
<p>‘Starsky, I can’t do this alright. I’m goin’ ta bed. Let yourself out, okay?’ With that Hutch got up and went to his room to lie down. </p>
<p>Starsky just stood there unsure of what to do. He wanted to have it out with Hutch after all that’s what he came over for. But Hutch looked so weary he couldn’t bring himself to do it. His anger fled and worry took it’s place. He was really concerned about his friend and just as concerned about the state of their friendship. Since when had Hutch not been able to tell him anything that was bothering him. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>In the weeks after that things got worse. It was on one night after a particularly hard shift that Starsky wouldn’t take no for an answer. He insisted that Hutch come for a drink at The Pits with him.</p>
<p>‘To you Hutch. You were amazing today.’ Starsky said raising his glass. </p>
<p>Hutch looked away uncomfortably, not wanting to join in the toast.</p>
<p>‘Hey, what’s wrong we should be celebrating.’ </p>
<p>‘Celebrating, seriously what’s there to celebrate? That a young man was so desperate, so utterly lost that he was ready to jump off a seven-story building.’ Hutch snarled back clearly pissed off.</p>
<p>‘No Hutch and I don’t know why you’re being like this. You talked him down. It didn’t look like anyone was goin’ to. I damn near sent him off the edge. You spoke whatever gentle words you could think of to him and he came with you, trustin’ as a lamb. Shit Hutch you’ve always been compassionate, kind to people but that was somethin’ else. I was sure it was gonna end differently but you got him safely down, Buddy. I couldn’t be prouder of you. So we’re celebrating his second chance and that you gave him that.’ </p>
<p>‘He gave it to himself; I was just…there.’</p>
<p>‘You made the difference Hutch, you. Don’t sell yourself short. To you.’ Starsky tried raising his glass again.</p>
<p>Hutch sighed and then raised his too and then downed his beer in one. </p>
<p>‘That a boy.’ Starsky said and then he smiled widely at something behind Hutch. </p>
<p>‘Ladies, ladies, so glad you could join us. I was about to get in some champagne, we’re celebrating a successful day on the job. With the hero of the hour.’ </p>
<p>Starsky missed the pained look on Hutch’s face as he got up to welcome Mandy and Tanya to sit at their table. The drinks flowed and everyone was having a great time, well except for one person. </p>
<p>Starsky barely noticed when Hutch got up and left the table mumbling something about needing the john. But after a while Tanya said, He’s been a long time, hasn’t he?’ Starsky was so ensconced in his getting somewhere, making plans for later with Mandy that it took him a moment to concentrate on the worry in his partner’s date’s face.</p>
<p>Starsky went to the men’s room but there was no Hutch. He went up to the bar to ask Huggy if he’d noticed where his partner had got to.</p>
<p>‘He went out the back, my man. I assumed maybe he was smokin’ I mean he took it up when you were in the hospital but quit when you go out. Coz a your lungs but maybe he needed one or somethin.’’ <br/>‘But he hasn’t come back. His date’s worrying and I’m starting to as well.’</p>
<p>‘What’s goin’ on, bad day or somethin’? He hasn’t looked happy all night.’</p>
<p>‘I thought he got over his mood. But guess I was too busy with Mandy to notice.’ </p>
<p>‘So was it bad today?’</p>
<p>‘Naw, I thought it was great. He was amazing Hug, talked some guy down from a ledge. Just by being the sweet, understandin’ guy he is. But I don’t get it, way he’s behavin’ you’d think the guy had jumped.’</p>
<p>‘Still, it’s a bit heavy, maybe he’s just feelin’ it.’</p>
<p>‘Maybe, I’m gonna have to go find him. I’ll say night to the girls, make some apologies and then find him.’</p>
<p>‘Need some help.’</p>
<p>‘Thanks, think I could use it.’ </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Starsky should have tried there first but his first thought was to search for Hutch on the beach, the place his partner usually went to clear his head, when things were tough on the job. His partner took things harder and more personally than even he himself did. Starsky wasn’t sure why a good result would hit his partner so hard but maybe it was the could’ve beens, what might’ve happened if he hadn’t been able to get through to the young man.</p>
<p>Starsky had to let himself into Hutch’s place after he got no answer. He was getting tired of being kept out and having to force his way in. Why did his partner have all his walls up again? He’d thought they’d knocked them all down together after his shooting. When had the construction team moved in again to re-erect them? </p>
<p>‘Hutch?’ Starsky called, the whole place was in darkness and Starsky wouldn’t have noticed the figure on the couch if the limited light from the window hadn’t caught on the bright blond hair. His partner always so easy to locate.</p>
<p>Starsky turned on one of the main lights. Hutch only squinted a little at the presumably unwelcome intrusion of both the light and his partner. Causing an already worried Starsky to question exactly where his friend head was at.</p>
<p>‘Hey, what’s goin’ on? Why you sittin’ in the dark and why’d you leave without sayin’ a word?’</p>
<p>Hutch remained silent so Starsky went over and sat beside him. </p>
<p>‘Hutch, talk to me.’ Starsky said putting a hand on his friend’s arm. </p>
<p>Hutch flinched at the touch scaring Starsky into harsh words, ‘What the hell’s wrong with you? You’re actin’ like your frightened of me or somethin’.’</p>
<p>Hutch just swallowed audibly.</p>
<p>‘Shit Hutch what’s wrong?’ Starsky put his arm round Hutch’s shoulders and pulled the man into himself.</p>
<p>‘I…I can’t do this…I need to be alone, leave now, p-please.’ Hutch said, he wasn’t crying or even shaking, to Starsky it felt like he was frozen like a statue. </p>
<p>‘Na-uh. Not until you tell me what’s goin’ on. You left me and the girls like…I dunno what, you were fleeing from the bad guys. ‘Cept you never do that Hutch, you always face it head on. With me that is, together.’</p>
<p>‘I…I just couldn’t face…you wanted to…but I didn’t, I don’t want to be around…anyone.’</p>
<p>‘That include me? Coz if it was just the girls, we didn’t have to do that. We could have made some excuse, there are politer ways to lose ‘em.’ </p>
<p>Hutch pulled back from him then. Starsky let him up. Then he studied the side of Hutch’s face as they sat there in silence. </p>
<p>‘Is it that you just want it to be us? Because that’s alright if you do. If that’s why you’ve been pullin’ away recently, you don’t have to…’ Starsky let his words trail off as he edged closer to Hutch, quietly, afraid to startle him but as he got closer he said, ‘Look at me Hutch.’ Starsky’s eyes flicked to Hutch’s lips ready to meet his target when Hutch turned his head.</p>
<p>Except Hutch didn’t turn his head instead he surprised Starsky by leaping off the sofa. </p>
<p>‘I…I can’t do this, I don’t want to…can’t do any of it anymore.’</p>
<p>Starsky started to panic, he couldn’t have ruined everything by misreading his friend so badly, could he? One attempted kiss couldn’t destroy their partnership just like that.</p>
<p>‘Hutch I…’</p>
<p>‘Take the hint! I don’t want you here. I need to be alone.’ Hutch shouted face going scarlet. </p>
<p>Starsky left feeling hurt and desolate. Why was Hutch doing this to him? Didn’t he at least love him as a friend? </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Things with Starsky and Hutch were strained for the next few weeks. When finally he couldn’t take it anymore Starsky cornered Hutch in a corridor at the precinct. It wasn’t the best place he had to admit but he couldn’t let it keep a second longer. After a hushed and tense conversation, it became clear to Starsky that Hutch had no idea what Starsky was talking about, he was honestly confused. ‘It was a bad night, I was stressed, it had been a long day and I needed some space. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings buddy.’ Hutch said and it was clear to Starsky that he wasn’t pretending that the attempted kiss didn’t happen, he genuinely had no idea that it had. Thinking about it Hutch had seemed lost in his thoughts staring straight ahead, it was possible he hadn’t been paying enough attention to notice Starsky puckering up and going to make his move. </p>
<p>Starsky wasn’t sure whether to be disappointed or relived. He hadn’t ruined anything with an ill-considered kiss, and Hutch hadn’t rejected him either. But the problem was he was no further on; did Hutch want a physical relationship with him or not?  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Starsky was building up the courage to try again when an incident at work blew all his plans out of the water. He’d gone to one of his mandatory counselling sessions with Dr Franklins when a call had come in about a hostage situation. All the other senior Detectives were on a job and that left Hutch as the only senior Detective in the office. He was supposed to be riding a desk but when were things with them ever anything but complicated.</p>
<p>	Starsky arrived on the scene to find Hutch standing near a man who had a gun pointed right at his chest. There was no way Starsky could help from the angle he was at, Hutch would be in his line of fire. He was as useless as any bystander. </p>
<p>	‘You don’t really want to hurt her, there’s still love there and I don’t want to hurt you either. No one has to get hurt here, just put down the gun and we’ll sort this whole thing out.’ Hutch’s tone was calm and his voice clear with only the barest hint of command in it. To everyone else there he would appear every inch the cool customer, an in charge professional and while that’s what he was Starsky could still here a hint of stress in the gentle voice. </p>
<p>	He seemed to be getting through to the man, the hate filled eyes had soften slightly but then they hardened again, quick as a flash. The man’s gun hand came up fast and went to point at the woman he had gripped to him with his free arm. Hutch reacted quickly. </p>
<p>	Two shots rang out, one from the gunman and one from Hutch’s gun. The gunman crumpled to the floor but unfortunately so did his victim. Hutch fell to his knees and Starsky rushed straight to him. </p>
<p>	‘Hutch! Hutch!’ He shouted pushing past people to get to his friend.</p>
<p>	With Hutch in his arms pale and sweating, Starsky ran his hands over his friend desperate to find where he was hurt. He couldn’t find anything. He looked up at the activity and realized they were attending to the woman, who’d been the hostage, and the bleeding flowing from her head. Two shots, there had only been two shots. One in the centre mass of the felled gunman and one apparently to the head of his female victim. So, Hutch hadn’t been shot, so this was, what? Shock?  </p>
<p>	‘Hey, come on buddy. You did good, the bad guy’s down.’ Starsky encouraged gently shaking his friend. He didn’t want their fellow officers to see Hutch like this, his partner would be embarrassed. He hadn’t reacted like this even at the Italian restaurant or even after Starsky’s shooting in the police garage. He’d been a one-man justice machine according to all reports. </p>
<p>	‘No…I…I didn’t, w-wasn’t quick enough. H-he got her in the h-h-head.’ Hutch was shaking hard and he needed to get out of there fast. Starsky pulled him to get him to his feet and got him to the Torino. Without telling anyone he drove Hutch back to his place. There would be questions to answer for leaving the scene. An officer had to stay put after discharging his weapon but right now that was not even making the top hundred things that mattered to Starsky. Hutch was always at the top of that list. And at that moment all that mattered was his friend’s wellbeing.</p>
<p>	Hutch was sat on Starsky’s couch with a cup of water in his hand. It was shaking so badly; it was in danger of spilling.</p>
<p>	‘Just take a little sip Hutch.’ Starsky encouraged.</p>
<p>	Hutch sipped the water but his eyes were still wide with fear.</p>
<p>	‘Hutch, listen to me Babe, please. I know that was hard but you need to take a few breaths and calm down. You did the best you could, the only thing you could do. I’m proud of you buddy.’</p>
<p>	‘Proud, p-proud? What are you talkin’ about? I got that woman killed. If I’d reacted faster… shoulda shot him when he had the gun pointed at me…I should…’</p>
<p>	‘No Hutch, you shouldn’t have, you were tryna preserve life, get the situation to end safely without any bloodshed.’</p>
<p>	‘No…no, I…I killed her…I…me, I…it was my fault.’</p>
<p>	‘Stop that stop it right now. He shot her not you. You did everything you could to stop it.’</p>
<p>	‘No, no…n-no…’</p>
<p>	‘Hutch I know what it’s like to shoot someone innocent, for someone to get caught in the crossfire but this wasn’t your fault, you couldn’t have done anything-‘</p>
<p>	‘Shut up Starsky, shut the fuck up, will ya. You got no idea, you’ve never shot an innocent person. They were tryna shoot you or involved in crime. You don’t know how this feels. I got her shot, me. I didn’t stop him in time. She was innocent and now she’s…’</p>
<p>	‘She’s at the hospital Hutch we don’t know-‘</p>
<p>	Starsky was cut off by a vicious look from Hutch. He wasn’t helping, somehow he wasn’t coming up with the right words to make things better and he didn’t know why.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>	Dobey wasn’t happy about them leaving the scene but in his gruff way he understood when Starsky explained that the woman getting shot in the head in front of him, had sent Hutch into a kind of shock. Hutch was cleared, it was deemed a ‘justified’ shoot. But unfortunately, that hadn’t seemed to help Hutch. Things were not helped in the slightest by the ‘victim’s’ family. The gunman Hutch shot that is not the true victim his poor wife who was still in the hospital. The Stevens family had come into the station to confront Hutch. The father, Mother and younger brother of Ron Stevens, had let Hutch know exactly what they thought of the man who’d killed their son and brother. </p>
<p>	‘You’re a cold, cruel man Mr. Hutchinson,’ The Mother said.</p>
<p>	‘A real bastard. I ought to see to you myself.’ The Father said.</p>
<p>	‘Filthy, pig scum.’ Said the little brother who had clearly looked up to his older brother. No accounting for taste Starsky thought.</p>
<p>	When Starsky had finally had enough he said. ‘My partner was just doing his job. He tried to talk your son down and if Stevens hadn’t been tryna hurt-‘</p>
<p>	He didn’t get to finish his sentence because Hutch put up his hand to gesture for him to stop. Then Hutch absorbed all of their fury and took the hate they spat until they had none left and had left the station. </p>
<p>	Hutch had also been to the hospital every day after their shift ended to check on Carly Stevens. But there was never anything new for the staff to tell him. She was stable but still in an induced coma. The bullet had only grazed her head but it was hitting the hard ground that did the damage.</p>
<p>	It was two weeks after the shooting on a visit to the hospital that they bumped into Carly’s sister Clare. She recognized Hutch much to Starsky’s dismay. She said she’d asked a nurse the last time who the man asking after her sister was and been told he was a police officer. She had put two and two together and had come up with the right answer. That he was ‘that’ police officer.</p>
<p>	‘So you were there when my sister was shot?’ She asked.</p>
<p>	 Hutch very quietly said yes and nodded his head solemnly.</p>
<p>	‘You…you were the one who shot Ron?’</p>
<p>	Starsky wasn’t sure he liked where this was going, would she attack Hutch too. Blame him for not acting quicker, like he was doing to himself.</p>
<p>	‘Yes.’ Hutch confirmed. Looking more guilty than Starsky thought he should.<br/>	Clare stared at him with a very intense face for what felt like forever to Starsky. But then she held out a hand for him to shake. He hesitantly took it.</p>
<p>	‘Thank you for stopping him, ‘bout time someone did. I know you did your best to save my sister and whatever happens…I’ll always be grateful for that.’ She gave them a quick smile, barely there and then she turned and went back to her sister’s room.</p>
<p>	Starsky patted Hutch on the back, ‘See buddy, someone recognizes what you did.’ </p>
<p> </p>
<p>	But despite the kind words of Carly’s sister, nothing altered Hutch’s downcast mood. He seemed to sink further and further into despair fuelled by self-doubt and self-recrimination. It was a week later when the news came that Carly’s condition had detreated that Starsky started to fear for Hutch. He wanted to stay by his friend’s side that night but Hutch had all but physically removed him from his place saying. ‘Damn it Starsky, can’t you tell when a guy needs some time alone, give me some space for fuck’s sake.’ He’d stood outside Hutch’s door for twenty minutes before reluctantly leaving. He didn’t want to go but sometimes there was no arguing with Hutch.</p>
<p>	He went to The Pits for a few drinks and hoped to drown his sorrows but as the night went on his unease grew and there was no way to stop it. So he gave into his need, making a stop on his way home.</p>
<p>	He didn’t bother to knock, he never seemed to get an answer from Hutch these days anyway. The place was dark and Starsky assumed Hutch must be having an early night like he’d done so often recently. Though to Starsky he never seemed anything but tired. He unlocked and opened the door. It was dark but he could sense his friend anywhere, it was one of the many things that made their partnership so special. Hutch wasn’t in bed; he was in the main living room. Instinct alone told Starsky to turn on the light.</p>
<p>	The scene that greeted him when the place was illuminated nearly froze Starsky’s heart. Hutch was standing still in the centre of the room and facing the wall opposite the sofa. From his position Starsky could only see in profile but before he moved round to face Hutch, he knew what he would find. Standing in front of Hutch confirmed it Hutch was holding his own gun to the temple of his head.  His eyes as wide and haunted as Starsky had ever seen them. </p>
<p>	‘Hutch, what…what the fuck are you doin’? Put that down now!’ Starsky screamed and only succeeded in making the distraught man tighten his hold on the gun. </p>
<p>	‘Sorry, sorry shit. I just… stay still okay and talk to me for a minute please. I…I why are you doing this?’</p>
<p>	Hutch’s face scrunched up with pain but no words came out. </p>
<p>	Starsky had never been good at this, Hutch was always the calm voice of reason, pulling him back from the edge. Hutch would know what to say but he did not. </p>
<p>	‘Please, please Hutch. We can sort this you and me. Whatever we need to do we’ll do it. Just please don’t to this to me, don’t let me lose someone else I love to a bullet to the head. I…I don’t think I could forgive you for that, I wouldn’t survive it. Is that what you want to take me with you?’</p>
<p>	It was the wrong thing to say and he knew it instantly. He was being selfish, thinking only about himself and the pain he was in. What must Hutch be feeing to have come to this point? And mentioning Terri was below the belt. He shouldn’t be laying guilt on Hutch right now, but he was desperate and had to do anything he could to remove that gun from his friend’s hand. </p>
<p>	The hand with the gun in it began to shake and Starsky was terrified the gun would go off. ‘I…I can’t do this…take it anymore….c-can’t go on like this.’ The tremble in Hutch’s voice and the helplessness in his eyes broke Starsky. </p>
<p>	‘You don’t have to do anything, you don’t want to Hutch, I promise. You wanna stop bein’ a cop, you don’t have to be one, you wanna leave town I’ll help you pack. Just please Hutch stay with me. I know it’ll be hard. It’ll hurt, babe but I’ll be here for all of it. Every second, you got my word. I know you can’t see it, but you’ve helped people Hutch. So many people, Carly, she has at least a chance coz a you and Jamie, I checked on him Hutch. The kid’s gettin’ help and he’s doin’ better. You gave his loved ones a chance to help him, please, please give me the chance to do the same for you, I’m beggin’ ya.’ </p>
<p>	For a terrifying moment Hutch’s hand tightened on the gun again but then with terrible pain in eyes that just as quickly went blank, his arm dropped and was limp at his side. Starsky wasted no time in grabbing the gun from Hutch’s hand and was going to go and put it away somewhere safe but then Hutch’s knees gave out and Starsky only just managed to grab hold of Hutch’s waist with his free arm before he fell to the floor. Starsky helped him down. Then he rushed to Hutch’s bedroom and deposited the gun in a locked draw next to Hutch’s bed. He then put the key in his pocket. </p>
<p>	When he returned, he took a shivering and unresponsive Hutch into his arms. He held him tight with one arm and with the fingers of his free hand he stroked through Hutch’s hair.</p>
<p>	‘Everything will be alright sweet boy, I promise.’ He whispered to Hutch, not sure his friend could even hear him or take it in. And not sure the gentle words were even true. How could he start to make this better when he’d missed the signs that things were so bad? He couldn’t think past the fear of what might have been if he hadn’t come to check on Hutch. For now, as uncomfortable as it was, he was content to lie there with Hutch all night if that’s what it took, however long was needed for Hutch to come back to him. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>	It was a slow process getting Hutch the help he needed and they needed the cooperation of a few people. Most importantly that of Captain Dobey. Hutch needed time off work to concentrate on himself and the therapy he needed. Dobey had to put down stresses of the job as the reason for Hutch’s leave of absence but was vague enough with the details that it wouldn’t affect Hutch’s return to work when he was ready. They hadn’t told Dobey everything either but had told him enough. And while he was more than understanding, knowing all the things his two Detectives had been through over the years and especially all the trails they endured in the aftermath of Starsky’s shooting. He was also practical enough to realize others would not be as sympathetic. They were grateful for his discretion.</p>
<p>	Hutch went to private therapy sessions, agreeing with Starsky that was best and that he could speak more freely with someone not linked to the department. He took a few steps forward and then some back. Recoiling from confronting some of his worst memories. It also took him a while to fully except help and Starsky realized cops like Doctors didn’t make the best patients, he knew he himself didn’t and like all cops they were both more used to providing help than receiving it. And after the way Hutch had taken care of him after the shooting it was quite an adjustment for him, going from caregiver to the one being given care. </p>
<p>	It was six weeks later that Hutch sat Starsky down to explain things to him. <br/>	‘It was the weight of it the Doc reckons Starsk. It’s not just cops either. It’s medical staff and soldiers of course. The responsibility day in and day out of other peoples lives in your hands. That plus the threat to your life and the lives of people close to you. It’s like a form of battle fatigue she says. That and all the dissatisfaction and resentment that I’d been holding onto for years probably. That’s why she think I need to take a longer leave of absence, maybe a sabbatical of sorts. So I can reconnect with my inner contentment.’ </p>
<p>	Hutch smiled gently at him but Starsky didn’t feel like smiling back. He hated all this doctor speak and more than that he hated the woman herself. Doctor Bryant, to him she was more like Doctor know it all. Hutch hadn’t liked her at the start either. He knew he was being childish because he’d told Hutch he didn’t have to be a cop anymore as long as Starsky still had him here but he felt now that he was slowly losing his partner and it was all a stranger’s fault. </p>
<p>	‘You quitting?’</p>
<p>	‘I haven’t decided that yet. It’s something I need to think really hard about, if I can still do the job. Give it my all without it takin’ all of me. I don’t want to mess you or Dobey around, I just can’t promise anything right now. You have to give me the chance to make peace with things. This is a recovery of sorts and we both know that takes as long as it takes.’</p>
<p>	Starsky knew what Hutch was saying and suddenly felt very selfish. Hutch had been nothing but patient and understanding when he was getting back on his feet after Gunther. Could he really do any less for his partner?</p>
<p>	‘I get it. But hey, I can still come by after work and we can hang out and watch movies or-‘ Starsky cut himself off as Hutch suddenly looked away like he couldn’t keep eye contact.</p>
<p>	‘Hutch?’</p>
<p>	‘Starsky…I…I’m not stayin’ here. I’m gonna go off for a while, travel maybe. Take some time in nature.’</p>
<p>	‘So you’re leavin’?’</p>
<p>	‘Don’t say it like that buddy. I need a break is all, doesn’t mean I won’t come back.’ </p>
<p>	‘Doesn’t it.’ Starsky said sulkily but then with concern added, ‘Are you sure it’s a good idea for you to be by yourself I mean after you…um….’</p>
<p>	Starsky suddenly felt like a traitor, like he was showing Hutch that he didn’t trust him or that he doubted him. </p>
<p>	But Hutch’s eyes were warm and showed no judgement when he said, ‘I get that you’re worried Starsk, but I have to be able to trust myself, to commit to my own recovery and I need you to believe in me too.’ With that he reached out and took Starsky’s hand and squeezed it. </p>
<p>	Starsky was too overwhelmed by emotion to answer but nodded and when he looked up at Hutch, he hoped his love and faith in his friend was as clear as any words could ever express. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>	It was a sad moment when Starsky waved off Hutch. He promised to water his plants, take care of any mail and generally keep the place neat. It didn’t take long for loneliness to take hold even with frequent visits to see Huggy in fact Starsky suspected his visits were too frequent for his friends liking. No one could fill the Hutch shaped hole in his life. Not at work where he more often than not snapped at his temporary partner. And not at home where he spent more and more time without Hutch to do things with. It no doubt wasn’t healthy to rely on one person as much as he did his best friend.</p>
<p>	It also gave him too much time to think and what did he think about? Hutch of course, in every quiet moment. His thoughts got darker and more self-recriminatory. He replayed the conversation they had the night Hutch tried to shoot himself. He went over the words again and again. What he’d said about Terri and losing someone else like that. It had been his fault. Terri would still be there if not for him. And if Hutch had shot himself that would have been Starsky’s fault too. Because when he thought about it he realized all the signs had been there. Hutch had been withdrawn, sometimes hostile to company, clearly his emotional state was volatile as well as fragile, Starsky knew something was wrong that he was bottling things up and not wanting to talk. And what had Starsky done? Badgered him and tried to get him to drink with him, that’s what.</p>
<p>	His feelings of badly letting his friend down came out in dreams. Of how that night might have gone differently. Nightmares of Terri morphing into Hutch, haunted his nights. He was quickly becoming a wreck and needed to hear Hutch’s voice. </p>
<p>	It was a few days later when Hutch finally called and after sensing Starsky’s distress they talked, and Hutch agreed to call every day. Starsky didn’t miss the fact that this went against his need for space and was grateful to his friend for putting him first in that way.  Hutch then called one day to ask Starsky to meet him at a dinner just outside town. </p>
<p>	‘It’s been three months Hutch. Three fucking months! Dobey can’t keep your job open forever and my temporary partner is about to become permanent.’ </p>
<p>	‘I don’t think I’m comin’ back Starsky, I’m sorry.’</p>
<p>	All the fight went out of Starsky, it hurt but there was no point getting angry. He couldn’t fight this.<br/>	‘I figured you weren’t. Why didn’t you just tell me that from the start? Saved us a lot of crap. Too much of a coward huh? Can’t face anything hard, is that it?’</p>
<p>	Hutch looked like he’d just been thrown hard into a wall. And he shot out of his seat, ready to bolt and Starsky would most likely never see him again. Nothing was worth that.</p>
<p>	Starsky’s hand shot out and grabbed Hutch’s arm.  ‘Shit, shit, Fuck! I didn’t mean that Hutch. You know I didn’t…I don’t want to hurt you damn it. But I can’t just let ya…this is hurtin’ me too. Worse than anything. Worse than those damn bullets. Please, please sit back down.’ </p>
<p>	Hutch shook off his hand but sat down slowly like he wasn’t sure he really wanted to. </p>
<p>	‘That was a crappy thing to say. Do you know how hard I’ve been tryin’ to…’</p>
<p>	Hutch trailed off as Starsky nodded emphatically. </p>
<p>	‘You do look better. Less tired and…worn. Can…can you at least tell me where you’re stayin’?’</p>
<p>	‘With a nice lady called Franny in San Francisco, she lost her husband, took it pretty hard so she knows-‘</p>
<p>	‘You really think that’s a good idea?‘</p>
<p>	‘She’s old enough to be my mother Starsk and she’s kind and artistic.’</p>
<p>	‘Okay, okay but too sad people isn’t that…a bit, I dunno.’</p>
<p>	‘No we cheer each other on. I travelled around but had to settle somewhere for a while.’</p>
<p>	‘Couldn’t you just come back, come home with me. We could collect your stuff right now and-‘</p>
<p>	‘No Starsky, I…I’m not ready.’</p>
<p>	‘Too many bad memories huh? And I thought there were some good ones too.’</p>
<p>	‘There are and I know what I’m asking but just be patient for a bit longer, yeah?’</p>
<p>	‘Sure Hutch, yeah okay.’ Starsky shook his head wearily and got up and dejectedly walked out of the diner. Hutch hated what this was doing to his friend but he knew if he came home before he was ready all that he’d worked hard to build would simply come crumbling down.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>	It was two months later when there was a loud knock at the door at eleven o’clock at night. Starsky hadn’t heard from Hutch for a couple of days and at that time of night was worried about what it meant. He opened the door.</p>
<p>	‘Hey.’ A wet looking Hutch said.</p>
<p>	Starsky swallowed hard and stared at him trying to collect himself.</p>
<p>	‘Is that all you’ve got to say, Hey?’</p>
<p>	‘Um…honey I’m home.’ Hutch said with a shaky smile. </p>
<p>	‘You…you bastard.’ Starsky said but pulled Hutch into a big, breath stealing hug anyway.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>	It wasn’t long before they were sitting on Starsky’s couch with a cup of hot chocolate each. Hutch didn’t even complain about the sugar, realizing Starsky needed the comfort of the favourite drink.</p>
<p>	‘So you think you got it all worked out?’ Starsky asked after Hutch had explained why he felt ready to return home.</p>
<p>	‘I think I understand why it all happened like it did anyway.’ Hutch confirmed.</p>
<p>	Starsky nodded his encouragement ready to listen to whatever Hutch had to say. </p>
<p>	‘When you…w-when you were shot a lot of things changed for me. It was a terrible and heart-breaking time but once I knew you were gonna be okay something shifted inside of me. You needed me, really needed me and I had to take care of you.’ Hutch smiled and Starsky smiled softly back.</p>
<p>	‘You were good to me Hutch, really good.’</p>
<p>	‘I did my best and it felt like as you recovered it really was enough. I had a reason to get up in the morning. I had a purpose, helping you heal. I was involved for the first time in healing not hurting in any way, just helping you recover. Come back to yourself, ourselves I guess and it was beautiful but then it all stopped. You got better, and I was so glad for it but it meant that I had no purpose anymore. And it all sort of flooded back in. All that old pain that never went anywhere, it was all just there waiting. I was crushed then by despair and the emptiness and pointlessness of everything. Every day I felt like I was waiting for the blow, the one I wouldn’t get up from. I was disillusioned in everything, disappointed in everything and everyone.’</p>
<p>	‘Even me?’</p>
<p>	‘Yes buddy, but please don’t look like that…I…it wasn’t you really just that you didn’t need me so much and well you were so enthusiastic about getting back out on the streets and still lovin’ what we do.’</p>
<p>	‘And you don’t…love it anymore I mean. I know why you might not but Hutch we make a difference we really do in fact there’s something-‘</p>
<p>	‘Starsky listen please, hear me. I know we do good sometimes, I know. But you know that doctor thing they say, ‘First do no harm.’ Well as hard as we try buddy, we do harm, we don’t mean to, we’re always tryna protect and help. Get justice but along the way, we hurt people, kill them, get them killed. it’s that part I’m not sure I can live with anymore. I want to come back but I’m not sure it’s worth it.’ </p>
<p>	‘I know we pay the price but-‘</p>
<p>	‘I still have nightmare Starsk, about the shooting. Me shouting for you and you not answering, that deafening silence. The smell of burning tyres, screeching as they race away, damage done. The scrape of metal, a seconds warning. My gun firing uselessly. You lyin’ there more still than I’ve ever known you. Glass showering down on me while I lie there helplessly. And it’s not just when I’m asleep, things set me off in the day too. Someone drops something, a door slams or a car backfires. And I’m there with my hands on your chest trying….’ </p>
<p>	Starsky pulled Hutch into his arms as he started to cry. ‘Hey, shh, I know…. had some nightmares myself while you were away. About what mighta happened if I hadn’t come by that night.’ Starsky squeezed Hutch tighter to him.</p>
<p>	‘I... I’m sorry, Starsk.’</p>
<p>	‘Don’t…you don’t have to be, I let you down but I wish you’d come to me babe. Told me about your dreams and the flashbacks.’</p>
<p>	‘You had your own nightmares and when you were in so much pain, how could I-‘</p>
<p>	‘When I was better, back at work you coulda told me then.’</p>
<p>	‘You…you were so happy buddy.’</p>
<p>	‘Aw...Hutch.’ Starsky kissed the top of Hutch’s head. ‘Just promise to come to me if you ever feel like that again. Talk to me, I don’t want you holdin’ anythin’ back, okay?’</p>
<p>	Hutch nodded.</p>
<p>	‘Oh, and Hutch I wanted to tell you something, Carly got out of the hospital a few days ago, they think she’ll make a full recovery. Some slight memory problems but she’s doing really well. Her sister is looking after her.’ </p>
<p>	‘That’s great news Starsk.’ Hutch said and gave Starsky a hard squeeze. It was just what he needed to hear. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>	They were standing in Hutch’s kitchen each with a cup of coffee in one hand and a cookie in the other. Hutch was on his second cookie but that was fine with Starsky who thought his friend could do with some fattening up. </p>
<p>	‘I think it went okay.’ Starsky said.</p>
<p>	‘It went smother than expected.’ Hutch offered. </p>
<p>	It had been a few weeks since Hutch returned and they’d just come off shift after Hutch’s first day back at work.</p>
<p>	‘Everyone was welcoming, we didn’t have anything go wrong. And it was almost like I never left.’</p>
<p>	‘Almost.’</p>
<p>	‘Yeah.’ Hutch said softly noticing the lingering sadness in Starsky’s eyes.</p>
<p>	‘But you haven’t changed your mind, you’re still gonna take the exam?’</p>
<p>	‘Yeah, it’s time for me to get off the streets.’ Hutch said taking a sip of coffee not wanting to focus too much on Starsky’s expression as he spoke.</p>
<p>	‘Me too. But you know it’s gonna take me a bit longer to make the grade.’</p>
<p>	‘You’ll get there, buddy.’</p>
<p>	‘I know and at least we’ll still be in the same department until I do. You’ll be like Dobey’s right hand man.’</p>
<p>	‘I’m not sure he’ll see it quite like that Starsk.’<br/>	‘Maybe not but one thing’s for sure, you’ll be my superior…I guess you’ll kinda be able to boss me around like you’re my boss, huh?’</p>
<p>	Hutch gave out a hearty laugh at that. ‘I don’t even think Dobey managed to be your boss Starsky and if he can’t keep you in line, I sure can’t.’</p>
<p>	‘You’ve been keepin’ me in line in your own way for years blondie.’</p>
<p>	‘Uh-huh.’</p>
<p>	‘I mean it, that’s what partners are for, right?’</p>
<p>	‘That and havin’ your back.’</p>
<p>	‘Exactly, I’ve got no trouble takin’ orders from you Hutch.’</p>
<p>	‘We’ll always be equals Starsky, always a team.’</p>
<p>	Starsky felt his emotions brimming over at the thought. ‘I love you, ya big lug. Come ‘ere.’ With that he put down his coffee and what was left of the cookie, prompting Hutch to do the same and pulled Hutch into a tight Hug. Then he kissed his cheek and said, ‘I love you.’ But he realized now wasn’t quite the time, Hutch wasn’t ready, he needed to be on firmer ground before they took things to a different level. ‘We’re gonna be okay.’ He told Hutch.</p>
<p>	They separated then and looked deep into each other’s eyes and smiled.</p>
<p>	‘We’re gonna be wonderful. Starsk.’ Hutch said and his smile widened to a thing of beauty.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>It is important to talk if you are Struggling and listening is equally important. We have to keep the lines of communication open so no one feels alone.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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